A EUROPEAN QUEEN

11/19/18

 The Queen, En Famille

 11/19/18
"A European Queen"

This Past Life Recall was the longest and most involved of any that I ever had...and the most emotionally intense.

The Recall started in 1990, when I was living in Whitefield, Maine --a  farming community about 10 miles up the Sheepscot River from the seaport called Wiscassett. There was something almost supernatural about the land in Whitefield--or North Whitefield as it was known locally. It felt "high" in many ways--both geographically and spiritually. And it was magical how I happened to moved there.

Just two years before, in 1988, I had been homeless and living in a tent in a farmers field in Phippsburg,  all summer and into the fall. My two children were farmed out to friends. But as the seasons progressed and the end of November was upon me, two things happened that convinced me to move indoors.

#1 was, I had been awakened in the middle of the night by a hair-raising screaming--like a woman being murdered! I was later told by locals that it was the legendary "Phippsburg Howler." I imagined some sort of Yeti-type-creature. Later still I discovered that Fisher-Cats make the same blood-curdling noise. In any case it absolutely terrified me,  that night, as it moved closer and closer to my tent, making its horrible shrieking sound--then finally went away again. Soon after this came the second prompting to move.

#2 was a violent, freezing cold wind and  rain storm that filled my tent with water to 8 inches deep, and filled me with howling despair. I cried for hours, then swore that the next day I would go to town and rent something--anything! I had finally suffered enough. I had money in the bank but was afraid to spend it because I had no source of income and no prospects. I did not see myself as having any valuable skills. I saw my self as worthless and unemployable--despite a very high IQ and very high test scores--up through the Graduate Record Exams and Law SAT's. So I feared that when I ran through the legacy my mother had left me ($10,000) I would be unable to keep the rental. So I didn't dare commit to one. But now I would just have to take that chance; I had to get me and my three cats out of the cold and bring my family back together.

I had to get over what had made me homeless in the first place-- guilt and fear. My mother had died recently and I felt that I had not done enough for her, even though I was there near the end of her life, for three months, caring for her and her 90 year old husband...my step father.

It's amazing how we can become imprisoned by our beliefs and emotions. I eventually watched her die of her own limiting beliefs about her "duty" to her husband and religion. But at the time of my homelessness I could not see that I was doing the same--imprisoning myself with my beliefs and their precipitate emotions!

She had left me $10,000 I had promptly put in the bank. And I didn't dare touch it because of my beliefs about my worthlessness and my guilt. I had to punish myself. Many homeless people have this in their psychology. Other's judge them, but they are in a prison as real as one of iron bars and stones.

The movie "Shawshank Redemption" speaks to this perfectly. The hero (played by Tim Robbins) goes to prison for killing his wife, which he didn't do. But he felt very guilty about his own actions towards her. He felt that his coldness had driven her into the arms of another man and her murder happened there. Once his prison friend (played brilliantly by Morgan Freeman) absolves him of his "crime" as he saw it, his life turns around and he begins to plan his escape. And he makes it! He lives his dream life after that--after he forgave himself.

Thus when I finally  reached the point of feeling that I did not deserve the punishment of freezing to death in a tent, I was able to find an apartment the next day in the nearby small city of Bath. The duplex was a real dump--but I've always been good at home-makeovers and in a few months--and spending a little of my Mother's money--it looked absolutely elegant! My kids were very happy to have a normal life again. I still had some worthlessness to over come, but it was a beginning.

After getting settled in and decoarted, I first got a job sweeping a shopping center parking lot. I still recall a friend speaking to me there saying--"You're too old for this." I was so ashamed. Then I moved up to cleaning homes and offices. And when my back gave out on that, I let go and let God. I quit...and shortly thereafter I received another totally unexpected check from my mother's estate for  $1,000. Thus I began to get the picture that the Universe would take care of me if I gave it just a little help by raising myself esteem and by allowing better and better things to come to me.

 The next thing I did to earn money was to begin to use my psychic and spiritual skills. I began a counseling practice. This was a BIG step in the right direction. Soon I was getting steady clients--some of them quite rich. One was a woman who owned  a large old home in Whitefield that she had completely restored to its original 1780's Federalist glory by spending $100,000 on it's renovation alone. She planned to flip it, but meanwhile she needed a tenant. She offered to rent it to me--for the same price I was paying for my little duplex. I went to look at it and it immediately felt like it was MY HOME! It looked a good deal like this:

But still... I had reservations. It was going up for sale shortly; I might be able to stay there only a little while; and it would mean taking my daughter and son out of their school in their final high school years : and  I would lose my Bath support net. There were many cons to doing making this move. But my strongest feeling was "YES take it...don't be ruled by fear."

So I accepted the offer. We moved there and my children used our family car to commute 20 miles from Whitefield to Bath and back every school day. The house soon sold, but the new owners didn't want to live there until they retired in several years! They owned a few houses. They wanted me to live there and so I rented this gorgeous home with 30 acres on the Sheepscot River for $500 per month!

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(to be continued)